Confidence...

... worn well, makes the man.

I read that somewhere and it stuck with me.

When I go to an interview, I walk confidently into their office. I look squarely in the eyes of the manager I'm talking to. I give a firm, but not crushing handshake. I speak of my professional accomplishments with authority, but without arrogance. I have researched the company and I know where their weaknesses are, and I know how I can contribute. I ooze self assuredness and confidence.

But it's all an act.

Fact is, I'm scared shitless. Scared that I won't measure up. Scared of being judged. Scared of being rejected.

What I'm really afraid of is not getting a job, any job. I can live poor. It's not fun, but I can do it. And I know it's irrational, but I fear not being able to pay my rent, or buy food. Weird, huh?

But because of that, I throw everything I've got into every interview.

I walk out drained and spent. This is hard.

I wonder if I'll ever have confidence.

I see the other candidates, eager young faces, exuding confidence. Wanting to impress.

Walking out of an interview I caught a glimpse of a guy out of the corner of my eye. Shoulders square, head held high, walking with purpose and authority. And I was thinking, how - one day - I'll get it together like that guy. A second later, I realized it was my reflection in a wall of glass that I was seeing.

Damn, I'm good at faking it.