Queer Eye for the Computer Guy

“You need a makeover” Maurizio said.

“A makeover?” I asked.

“Yes! Some new clothes, a haircut, a facial, a manicure. Improve the outer man. This is going to make you feel great. Let’s go shopping.”

“OK, but I draw the line at getting anything waxed.”

“No way. We’re going to get you a full Brazilian.” I thought that was for girls,. What do I know?

“Really, Maurizio, retail therapy is not my thing.”

“Come on. You need new clothes. You definitely need a new haircut – that mop probably worked when you were in high school in the early 90’s but this is the new millennium.”

With that, my lunch date with Maurizio turned into a day of hooky and shopping. I called Wayne (new boss man) and let him know I would be out for the day. I finished the project he gave me – and I think he was impressed with how fast I got it done. I haven’t been sleeping, so I’ve been able to put the late night hours in without any problem. If I don’t work I just think of Lynn, which is bad. Anyway, Wayne was cool with me being out.

Maurizio and I went up to San Francisco and went to more trendy shops than I knew existed. I blew several thousand dollars on clothes. Maurizio has pretty good taste and lot of it looked really good on me, if I don’t say so myself. There were several pieces that are in for alterations, but I did get clothes for Saturday night )dinner party at Kristen's)

We went to a hair salon and Maurizio introduced me to “Ricardo”. Who was totally flaming. What did you expect? This is a hairdresser in San Francisco. “He’s not really ‘Ricardo”, is he?” I asked Maurizio.

“No he’s Richard.”

“But I make a hell of a lot more in tips if I am flaming ‘Ricardo’” said Ricardo dropping the gay act for a moment. I was left wondering which persona was real.

“So what are we doing today?” He asked.

“The full heartbreak.” Maurizio said. I guess I’m not the first.

“Oh, nooo” said Ricardo, rubbing my shoulder sympathetically. “What happened?”

“Disaster. He was left for another man” Maurizio said darkly. Ricardo nodded knowingly. He called over an assistant who set to work giving me a manicure. Rosemary scented hot towels were produced. I was shaved and exfoliated and given several other treatments – which actually were quite nice. I had to admit, this was a lot more soothing than I was expecting. As Ricardo was working on my face, he said “You’re not getting enough sleep. These bags under your eyes. You need to take care of yourself or you are going to look old before your time. And the texture here – been hitting the sauce pretty hard, have we?”

“Uh, yeah – it’s been a tough couple of weeks.”

“Well it’s his loss.” I didn’t bother to correct him – on either count. “Him” was a “her” and in the grand scheme of things - I don’t think she lost – I did. “We are going to make you look just fabulous” Ricardo said, practically licking his lips. He proceeded to work on my face.

“Now, what are we going to do with the hair?” Ricardo asked. “Is this your natural color?”

“Uh, yeah”

“It’s sooo beautiful. Like honey. Just gorgeous red highlights.”

I actually hate that. I am a strawberry blond – but if I stay out in the sun enough it gets naturally bleached out. I have been indoors too much lately.

“I think we need something close cropped” said Maurizio “I’m thinking Matt Damon in the Bourne Identity.”

“No.” Ricardo disagreed. “I can’t take that much off of him. With hair like this it would be a crime. I’ll make it work,”

Ricardo set to work, and took more hair off then he left. He preened and stroked my hair and massaged my scalp. He started asking me personal questions. OK now I know which persona is real. Maurizio stopped him. “He got dumped by his girlfriend”.

At this, Ricardo recoiled. “No. What a waste.” But he continued to massage my scalp.

Once he was done cutting, he added highlights – and he did a good job. It looked like it used to in the summers in Hawaii, very natural. I’ve never had my hair dyed before. I’ve never had a manicure before.

Leaving the salon, I caught myself in the mirror and I did look good. Maurizio was right. This did make me feel good.

Maurizio and I went back to my house. He decided to make-over my bedroom as well. “What a disaster. You still have boxes. Nothing says ‘I’m not ready for a long term relationship’ than boxes already packed – or not unpacked. These have to go. You have a twin bad!” He yelled at me. “How can you ever bring a girl in here? We are ordering you a waterbed first thing tomorrow. And a computer on the floor? What is the bedroom for? Sex. Move that thing into the den or something. I am going to get you some art for these walls. Hmmm, maybe Nagel. That would work in here. And a plant. Nothing says ‘sensitive guy of the new millennium’ like a live plant.”

“No ferns” I protested. Was that wrong?

“OK, but, you need something.” He said rolling his eyes. “The only other thing you need to do is sell that truck. Don’t get me started on that. Why did you buy it?”

Maurizio is coming over on Sunday and we are going to clean up the bedroom.