Alameda de Las Pulgas

I went over to Lynn’s apartment after work around at about 6:30. I felt a little guilty, like I was sneaking out early – but Lynn is more important than work, and we did have this date set before I learned about the “normal” working hours. I knocked on the door and then let myself in. Lynn was dressed up. She came and kissed me. “You look great” I told her. I brought in a bag of fresh clothes and bathroom things.

“Thanks. I’ll put those in the bedroom” she said grabbing my bag, “I saw you called yesterday.” She called from the bedroom.

“Just to say hello. I was wrapping up work, at 9:00. Those guys work long hours. The good news is that they start between 10 and 11, some closer to 12. Although I haven’t stayed late enough to see anyone leave.”

“That’s a bad sign.”

“Well, Wayne, my new boss, says that he doesn’t care how much time I spend on the work, just get the job done. Did you do anything fun last night?”

“Tim took me to dinner at a place called ‘Steamers’ over on University avenue. Good seafood. Nice place, we should go there sometime.”

We went to dinner at one of her favorite restaurants, the Flea Street Café. It is an old house on one of the main streets in Menlo Park converted into a restaurant. I found it from a review in Gourmet magazine. Dinner was absolutely wonderful.

We got back to her apartment and went inside. She poured me a glass of wine, a good cabernet that I had bought her to fill up her wine rack. We stood in her living room with the lights low. We kissed.

This Tim thing was bugging me. I haven’t blogged all of it, I didn’t think it was relevant – maybe I was in denial – but there’s something about Tim that gets my radar up. I don’t know, something about the way that she talks about him. Anyway, during dinner I learned that she went to dinner with him last night, and that he came back over to her place. And there were a couple other comments that Lynn made that just made me worry. Before we went any further, I needed to know what her intentions with Tim were. The questions led to:

“So,“ I asked, bracing myself, “Did you sleep with Tim?”

“Do you really want to know?” She said, still holding me.

“Yes.” I said, thinking I only want to know if the answer is no.

“You sure?” Oh, Fuck. That’s enough for me to know. My stomach tied up in a knot.

“Yes.” I said deliberately

“Yes, I did.” And she kissed me again.

“Do you want to sleep with me?” I asked.

“Yes” she said.

“Uhm, are you going to keep sleeping with him?”

“Yes. But that doesn’t have to change anything between us.” She squeezed me tight. “Enjoy me. Enjoy my body. Rich, don’t get hung up on this.”

“Were you going to tell me? Or just hide it.”

“I didn’t think you wanted to know. Are you mad?” She looked at me expectantly, I guess waiting for me to scream. “Do you want to hit me?” she asked

“No”, I almost laughed. “No, of course not, I’d never hit you. Am I mad? I’m not happy. I don’t know how I feel about this. Give me some time to absorb this.”

She led me by the hand into the bedroom. She sat me on the bed and undressed me. As she pulled off my underwear she looked at me and stated the obvious “You don’t lust me any more, do you?”

“No.” I replied.

She undressed herself, down to a pair of black lace panties and went to work trying to get me to lust her again – which she succeeded at after an embarrassingly short time. We had sex. It wasn’t good sex. I never though there was such a thing as bad sex.

Bad sex is still pretty good.

We were lying in bed and I was trying to figure this out. I really didn’t know how I felt about this. I am in love with her, but she had told me that this might happen, and that this is what she needs. Why would I deny my love what she needs? Can I share her? Should I share her? I want her to be happy. I want to be her friend. I need her. Why does she need this? Why am I not enough for her?

Where did I read the signals wrong? I really thought she loved me, too.

So I did what I do whenever pain intrudes – yes, there was definitely pain – I got up to go the fridge to get some wine. There was a cheaper chardonnay. “Where are you going?” She asked.

“To get some wine, do you want some?”

“Rich, you don’t need to get drunk over this.”

“Yeah, I think I do.” I replied. “Do you want some?”

“No, thanks.”

I returned with a glass filled to the brim. I would need at least another bottle. “How is this going to work?” I asked.

“Can’t you share me?”

“Is Tim willing to share you?”

“He says he is. We’ll see.”

“I guess I can too. So he gets you on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and I get you Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday?”

“And my vagina gets a break on Sunday.” She joked. I found no humor in it.

“So when you have a house warming party? Who do you invite, him or me?”

“I don’t think I’ll have one.”

“You know what I mean.”

“Maybe neither.”

“I though what we had was wonderful. Why did you do this?”

“We do have something wonderful, Rich. What Tim and I had was just sex.”

“Let me ask you something. Do you believe it when guys tell you that?”

“Rich, it’s not like that. What Tim and I have is not like what you and I have.”

Ok, so that was a no. I didn’t think so – I though to myself.

“I’m going through a tough time and I’m going to be selfish. Why can’t I have 2 men? Haven’t you ever wanted to have 2 women? I bet you have.”

OK, you score that point. Yes I have wanted 2 women, but that’s more of a fantasy thing, I justified to myself. “No – not like this” I lied.

“Yeah, right. Rich, I’m a mess. I need this now. I told you this can’t just be you and me now.”

“Tim knows that we have been sleeping together?”

“Yes.”

But Tim is the cheater. And that is so much easier than being the cheatee. He never had the expectation that he had you – I thought to myself.

“You didn’t have a problem with me going back to Jim, did you?” She asked.

“No.”

“You weren’t threatened by him. Rich, Tim isn’t a threat to you either. I love you. I don’t love him. But I really really lust him.”

And what am I fuckin’ chopped liver? “I’m not worth that sacrifice?”

“Rich, I can’t, I’m too messed up. I though about it. I almost did. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

I went out to refill my glass. I didn’t feel too guilty about drinking all her wine – I bought all of it anyway. I wasn’t going to let Tim and her enjoy it together. I think I can deal with this, I told myself. I need to outlast Tim – I can do it.

I stood in the dark in the kitchen and it suddenly dawned on me that this was some sort of karmic retribution. I was sleeping with Lynn while she was with Jim, now Tim was doing the same thing to me. Is she dumping me and this is the easiest way for her to do it? Does she really need two men? Is she really messed up?

Where did I read the signals wrong?

I went back to the bedroom and finished the wine. I struggled to come to grips with this. As soon as life was perfect, it all falls apart. Did she just need the drama in her life?

I blew out the candle that Lynn had lit and climbed into bed with her. I held her tight. I think I cried myself to sleep.

The next morning she got up and dressed. I can get through this – I told myself. She was so beautiful. I am so in love. She kissed me and left me in her bed – naked and alone – while she went to work with Tim.

Fuck! Where did I read the signals wrong?