You're not fired... you're laid off

I was on the phone with Steve. Steve is a good old friend from the University of Hawaii. We used to live across the hall from each other in Johnson Hall, the dorm nearest the engineering buildings. His room had a great view of diamond head. Today Steve lives in Seattle and works at a bank.

Linda (group secretary) came by. I tried to have her wait, but she was insistent. I asked Steve to hold. “You need to see Dave, right now. He’s in the conference room.”

“OK” I said to Linda.

“Hey Steve, I think I am about to get fired.”

“What?” has asked incredulously.

“Yeah, things have been rough at the company for a while. And I pissed off my boss, big time. He just called me into a private meeting. I’m going to get the ax.”

“No way.”

“Maybe not, we’ll see. I have to go now. I’ll call you back later.”

-------------------------------------------

I stood up, and got a head rush. My adrenaline was really pumping. I knew this was the end.

I walked into the conference room. “Are you going to fire me?”

Dave laughed and said “No, you’re not being fired.” He turned to a stack of envelopes on the table next to him and pulled one out with my name on it. “This is a layoff. If you were being fired, it would be because of the lack of work that you do, your poor results, hanging out in Lynn’s office all the time, and your generally poor attitude. No, you are being laid off because we do not have the resources to continue funding your position.”

I was being fired – this was a convenient way to do it. I sat down in a chair.

Dave looked at me and smiled. He was really enjoying this. “I’ve gone over the weekly reports, and you have only closed 2 cases in the past month. That is the lowest productivity of anyone here.”

“But you gave me all the hard cases. Remember, you started assigning me all the cases that would take a long time.” As soon as the words were out of my mouth I figured it out. Duh. Dave had set me up, really well. And I fell for it. Suddenly I felt so stupid. This was costing me my job.

I didn't blog it - I didn't think it was relevant, but at the beginning of the year (when the hatchet men came) Dave reorganized to group, and gave all the hard assignments to me and Eric - but he was feeding Eric a bunch of softballs to keep his counts up. I've got to admit, he was pretty clever about it.

I got 2 months of severance pay (which is really generous) and my final paycheck – less 8 days that I owed then for vacation days from my long vacation last year. I signed some documents which Dave pulled out of the envelope. I asked what would happen if I refused to sign. I was told that I would not get my severance check. I signed them, but didn’t really read them. One was stating that I would not sue the company for wrongful termination (surely that wouldn’t stand up in court.) Dave stuffed a copy of each one into an envelope that he gave me. He explained the termination procedures. I had one hour to clean out my desk, then I was to turn in my cardkey/badge, company phone card and credit card, laptop and all company papers. If I had anything at home I was to return it by this time tomorrow. Someone from HR would escort me until I was done.

I went back to my cube and called Steve back. “Yup. I was fired.” I said loud enough for others to hear.

“And I was there. What are you going to do now?” Steve asked.

“I am going to clean out my desk. Drive to the nearest bar, and have a drink. I don’t know… I guess I need to find a new job.”

“Bummer, dude.”

I grabbed a box and started shoving things into it. People started coming by the cube and asking what happened. I wasn’t in a mood to talk. I told them to ask Dave. I guess I was the first, but he had a stack of envelopes – there would be others. Lynn came by, “want to talk?” she asked.

“I’m going to the bar. You want to come?”

“Suddenly, I don’t feel all that motivated to work. I’ll join you.” Soon I had a group of about 10 that were all headed out early. Dave was going to have a tough time leading these guys now. There was genuine animosity toward the company.

Dave came by “Can I get your laptop now?” has asked. He was holding a form with asset numbers.

“Can I pull out some personal e-mails and contact information first?”

“Your access to the network has been suspended, your e-mail account is frozen.” I swear he was smiling. “I’m sorry, this is all company property now.”

I signed heavily, I handed him the laptop. What a bastard.

--------------------------------------------

After packing up my office, I drove myself to the local watering hole. It was about 2:30 and the place was deserted. I ordered a glass of wine, then canceled it and got a cheap bottle. Since I am now officially unemployed I guess I need to start watching the pennies.

At about 3:00 Lynn and Linda came in, a few minutes later another bunch of people. It was a somber place.

“So who else got it?” I asked

“No one” said Linda. “You were the only one in our group.”

I smiled cynically. “I guess I’m special.” I was sure Dave had a pile of folks to lay-off.

“There were about 200 total for the whole company.” Lynn informed me.

“Why did he pick me? I’m better than most of the folks left. I mean I’m not bragging, but they come to ask me about how to fix things. I take on some of the hardest cases.”

“That’s not the reason why you got fired” Lynn replied. “You threaten him. In so many ways.”

It was not a happy time, for me or anyone else. The party broke up early. Lynn paid for my bottle of wine. “I’ll take care of you” she said. She walked me to my truck and kissed me good bye – after the rest of the folks had left.

Don't know why I'm unhappy. I hated my boss, the job kinda sucked. I guess I'm just worried about getting a new job. Can't say I wasn't expecting it.