It’s rather odd but as a single guy I am able to spot wedding and engagement rings on women with a sort of radar. Even if they are driving in cars a couples of lanes away in traffic, if the hand is attached to a young woman I invariably spot the ring, or lack of it. I have always considered engagement and wedding rings a sort of a “no trespassing sign” – perhaps a better description is an “I’m not available” sign. Anyway, I have always tended to respect them. A ring on the left hand and I go looking elsewhere. Certainly the past few weeks have shown me the futility of falling for someone who is not available.This morning I walked into
She looked up at me and said “He hit me.”
“Jim?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m so sorry. Are you OK?”
She looked down. “I’m fine. That’s probably too much information. You didn't need to know that. I'm sorry. I deserved it... I said some things.”
“No one ever deserves that. No matter what you said.” I wondered what she said to him. Jim always did have a short fuse and he is a bit of an asshole. I don’t know why this beautiful young woman is with that fat, old, balding man. And from now on I am referring to him as the "fat, old, balding, and abusive man".
“Yeah, I did.” She said distantly.
Her phone rang, she waved me out of her cubicle and the work day started.
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About an hour later I got a call. I recognized Jim’s cell on the called ID.
“Hello?” I said answering the phone.
“Rich? It’s Jim.”
“Hi.”
“I don’t know what
“Uh, Jim, I…”
“Please!" he yelled at me, "Please. She won’t take my calls. I didn’t mean it. I just lost it. Oh, I’m so sorry.”
“Yeah, I’ll tell her.”
“Thanks, man. How is she doing?”
“She’s OK. She’s not really herself, but she’s OK.”
“Tell her I’m really really sorry.”
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Later in the day I relayed Jim’s messages to
“No. I’ll work this out. But thanks for asking.”
“Work it out? He hit you. You have to leave.” OK, I’ll admit I’m biased, but even if she doesn’t end up with me, she needs to get out of that relationship. Now.
“I’ll work it out.” She said – very firmly.
7 comments:
If this is not proof positive that Jim is a douchebag asshole, I don't know what is.
If he did it once, he will most certainly do it again.
She needs to leave NOW. Run. Flee the building and never be around him ever again, I don't care WHAT she said.
She will be in my thoughts and prayers tonight.
This is the hardest thing to hear for me. And I hear it almost every day from my clients. It is very sad. Assholes like that never change. And you can't make Lynn see what she herself doesn't see. It will be hardest on you to watch this. The only thing you can do is be her friend when she needs you to. I am sure you already do this. I am sorry this has happened.
She needs to understand soon that his ability to even think about hitting her then actually acting on it (yes, most do think about doing it before they do it, it's rarely spontaneous combustion) speaks to two things: 1. His deep hatred of himself and his feelings of being insignificant in the world. 2. His complete lack of respect for her which he can't feel because of #1. I don't know this from some book. I know this because I lived it and almost died at the hands of it.
Go out and buy her this book before she marries him Maybe she will see him in the pages and the light bulb will go on. Maybe she won't but at least you will have done whatever you could to give her more information.
"Why Does He Do That" is written by a man who runs court ordered groups for the abuser to give women the abuser's perspective. You can find it here: http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656ou
It is shocking and disturbing to hear these men talk about what goes on in their heads. Very few if any of them "recover" from being abusers.
She may very well walk down the isle into the arms of an abusive man. I did and many do. But then again, maybe she won't.
All. thanks for the kind words. I am at a loss for what to do. I can't believe that she went home to him last night.
Petunia, thanks for the book reference. I'll get it for her.
I don't think she's told anyone else.
Sorry for such a downer of a post. I'm not even sure I should be blogging this.
Sigh.
No matter WHAT, no one ever deserves that. No way.
And no more passing messages! I wouldn't take his calls.
Be there for her. She's going to need you now more than ever...
You're one of the good ones, Rich.
Rich,
I happened to read the book that Petunia recommended. It really helped me with my situation with my ex-husband. Luckily, he never hit me but he was very abusive emotionally. It is a book every woman should read. I really hope she reads it. I actually purchased this book recently for my sister who is still with her wife-beating asshole husband.
JenBun, Thanks, and you're right. I'll have nothing more to do with him.
Violet, It's scary how many guys like that are out there.
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